Do not let bankruptcy or debt ruin your relationship

The big question is not a ‘can I survive bankruptcy’, but ‘can my marriage last the distance with possibly no job, home’ and secure family unit?

All I hear when I turn on the television or radio is finance this and finance that. Can bankrupt Britain drag its self out of this global rut? And how, at an alarming daily rate unemployment figures are rising.

This article is written by Joanne Wood who declared herself bankrupt in February 2006. From the age of 17 Joanne worked as a court reporter at the Central Criminal Court. She is the author of Bankrupt 130 of 2006 – a remarkably candid account of what happened to a family after bankruptcy.

But what the experts are failing to address is how can we help debt ridden Britons hold together their relationships, retain their dignities and keep a tighter rein on their dysfunctional offspring?

Behind closed doors families in debt are distraught, mentally and physically exhausted with worry for their future and, in many cases unable to share their fears with their loved ones.  For those individuals who remain in denial inevitably the outcome will be a negative one. Reports of divorce figures on the rise and debt agencies themselves now receiving marriage related calls can not be ignored.

Bankruptcy, or even just been up to your eye balls in debt, can be a very isolating experience.  Feelings of failure can force many to retreat into the safety of their shells, inciting anger and frustration from their partners.

At first only swords are crossed and through gritted teeth hissing bitter exchanges played out of earshot of little ones.  Desperate to protect your young from the unfolding nightmare you try to contain your terror and tantrums.  But, soon the boiling pot will explode and what, at first seemed to be a bit of a financial pickle, has now become a full on tsunami fallout.  The battle to stay solvent has well and truly begun.

I was so desperate to save my kids from this sort of carnage but it was soon apparent that the tension in the air could be severed with a blade. Never underestimate your children. However young, they feel it before they see it.  If mummy or daddy are angry or sad, they’re aware it.

At the time of our bankruptcy in February 2006 my children were in their early teens.  And yes, they saw the tantrums alright.  From beating hubby with a wet mop about the torso to emptying the entire contents of my dishwasher on the kitchen floor amid horrified gasps from the onlookers.  I struggled to cope with being branded a bankrupt. My better half on the other hand was content with stuffing his head in the sand and pretending it had never happened.

My husband and I have known and worked together on a daily basis for the past 27 years.  I would describe us as a strong team and never short of conversation.  We are very vocal and have always encouraged evening gatherings at the family dining table for open discussion with our children.

But from out of the blue along came this thick dark smog which draped itself like a blanket over my head.  I felt as if I was drowning.  I could not breathe.  I was ashamed, alone and a failure.  No one could help me.  I did not want any sympathy.

At the flick of a switch a once very contented life becomes a thing of the past with no understanding of what the future held.  It was a frightening time for all of us.  There was shouting, screaming and crying, that was me by the way.  There were empty threats of divorce, and that was me too.  I did not mean it.  I just wanted to blame someone.  It is human nature to cast blame elsewhere.  But no one was to blame.

So you see I am concerned for the credit crunch Britons. They are limited to how they can now deal with their financial mess.  It really is out of their hands to some extent.  But we must help them to save their relationships through what will be one of the hardest phases of their lives.

We cannot allow our children to be badly affected during this unhappy period. My two kids definitely did suffer educationally as we just spent every waking hour trying to put the pieces of our lives back together.

But I did discover towards the end of the bankruptcy year that by talking openly to my children about the difficult financial time helped enormously.  We suddenly felt like a team again.  It is not always right for your children to think that life is a bed of roses. They too must understand that they must take life’s lows as well as enjoying the highs.

My children learnt an important lesson as they watched us work ridiculous hours around the clock in an attempt to rebuild our lives. If anything I think they are proud of us and that has to be a good message.

I hope people can take comfort in knowing that they are not alone and that they have done nothing wrong.  You must start talking to your partner.  If you are going to win this war you need to be united, talking honestly, positively and most importantly physically fit.  Insolvency is very draining.  For goodness sake eat properly and get some sleep.  You are going to need it.

Look at your partner.  You are with them because you love them.  Things used to be good together before the bills started stacking up.  They can be good again. Get help if you need it. Go to the doctor, talk to family and friends or perhaps make inquiries about   relationship counseling.  True, you will not solve this problem overnight. It may take a couple of years.  But make the decision to take control of your own life and start right this minute.  Good Luck!

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